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Bruce April 12th, 2004 ~ February 11th, 2018I love you. Always in my heart. Forever in my mind. I hope you sleep well, my love. I will never love anything as much as I love you.
It was a long time ago, I remember seeing you for the first time in Japan. I fell in love with you instantly. You were so very small and had trouble walking because of how little you were. I remember when I was in the car ride with my family and I decided to be the one who got to name you since my younger sibling was too young. I decided to call you Bruce like the shark from Finding Nemo because I believed you would grow up to be big and strong. Many years passed and I was right on the big part... not so much strong but I still love you for it.
Whenever I felt hurt, I would come to you for comfort. Whenever I felt hurt, you would come to comfort me. Whenever I noticed you seemed alone or not doing too well, I always came to comfort you. We both always had each other. Always felt when the other needed the other. From the beginning to the end, we've always taken care of each other. I know you love me as much as I love you. You've always shown me how much you appreciate me just as much as I've shown you. I never really got to thank you for that, but I know that you knew. I've told you in a million different ways a million different times how much I love you and you've always shown some way of loving me back. You aren't like anyone else in this world. You understood my feelings and knew exactly what to do when I needed you. You are the love of my life and just so much more. It was always just you, me, Bunny, and Pikapa. We all have each other and always have. I always told you how when I got older, I would take you with me and we would live together forever in a house of just us as a family. I always reminded you about those dreams and how much I love you.
I have some regrets, of course. I regret how mean I was when I was younger but we both know I was too young to understand much. You forgave me over the years as we both aged and became wiser. I know you forgive and love me but I still beat myself up for the little things. Even things that weren't my fault like the day our family went to go visit my fathers family in another state and you had a stroke because of how much you missed us. Everything in our life, some I regret. None of which are regrets against you, all are regrets against me that I can't help but feel guilt over even if I had no power over it. I also regret not being able to see you more after I moved away for a year. I couldn't help it, my mother kept hurting me emotionally and mentally, it was too difficult for me to visit you. But, every time I did visit, my mother wasn't the first one who got my hugs, attention, and affection. It was always you first. You are always my priority. You always seemed so happy and excited when I came to visit. You would run up to me crying and begging to be loved and I would cry and beg for your love as well.
On October 29, 2017, I received word that you weren't doing so well. You were constantly drooling, not eating, and you were very weak. I broke down and came to you on that same day as soon as I heard the news. There I saw you on my mothers bed laying down on a soft blanket. As soon as I walked in you got up stumbling weakly. I ran to you before you could drop from the bed. You were so happy to see me. Despite how weak you were from not eating and how you could barely walk, you stood up to try and come to me. I cannot ever forget that moment. I was so afraid for you. I broke down and laid by your side and told you about how much I love you. I noticed you were getting weaker. I begged you to try not to get up and I ran to the kitchen, put your food in some water until they were soaked, and I mushed them up. I ran back to you and fed the food to you. All this time my mother and sister tried to feed you, you were able to eat from my hands. I was so relieved. I stayed by your side and continued to feed you and pet you until you had enough and needed more rest. I had to leave a few hours later but I kept tabs on you from my mother and sibling and I was so happy to hear you were getting better. I continued to worry, of course, just in case you relapsed. You stayed strong and beat the sickness to the best of your availability. It seemed to go away, but it took a toll on your health.
It was on February 11th, 2018 at around 9:00pm when you passed away. On the morning of this day, I felt a void in my chest. At first, I thought it was just a depression spike. I felt the strongest urge to hug you and I didn't know why. I just felt so alone and sad for whatever reason. I regret not asking about you. I knew my mother and sibling were busy and I didn't want to disturb them. But I felt it. And then I received a call at 10:59pm from my mother that you had passed away laying down in one of your favorite spots in the kitchen. I couldn't believe her at first. I kept asking if it was a joke and if it was real. I broke. After she and I broke up, I just burst into tears and screamed as if I was just stabbed. I felt such an intense pain and sadness that I've never felt in my entire life. I just lost it. I came to you as fast as I could. I saw you laying down and I just collapsed over you. I put my face against you and just balled my eyes out. I tried to drown myself into your fur and just kept crying until you were soaked with my tears. I cried out so loudly and in so much pain. I held your paw in my hand a held tightly. I kept trying to feel your chest for a pulse but you were already so cold and rigormortis was already setting in. But you felt so soft... your ears still felt alive and I just kept squeezing them as I did whenever I saw you. They were still soft. I laid beside you and kept weeping and holding onto you. I didn't want it to be real.
Mama told me to take you with me to find you a place to be laid to rest because she knew she didn't want to stay at the house she lived in and she didn't want you to be left there. So I took you to Ichi's house and picked a spot where berries grew. It was still a spot where enough sunlight would pass through so that myself or mama can plant flowers for you. As Ichi and his brother began to dig, you were inside with me. I stayed by you and told you how much I love you and how alone I felt. I then made the decision to cut parts of your fur to keep so I can put them in urns later for myself, mama, yasmin, and perhaps ichi, julia, and dante. I felt so much pain cutting into your beautiful fur. The fur, so soft and well kept, was your pride. I hated every moment that I had to snip the scissors for the hair. But I got as much as I could along with a couple whiskers. I looked into your eyes with every snip hoping that maybe you'd wake up. But you didn't. Ichi came in after an hour and told me that it was ready. I kissed your forehead and squeezed your ear before covering you and carrying you outside. Once outside, I took you out of the box you were in--which was your favorite style box to sleep in--and I placed you onto the ground. I couldn't stop crying. Before I gave them the okay to start the burial, I squeezed your ear again and it was finally starting to harden. It broke my heart. It was around 2:00am on February 12th, Ichi covered your body with a paper towel so I didn't see the dirt get on top of your beautiful and clean fur. I stayed until you were out of sight, but I just kept crying and calling out to you.
The days following this, I cried so much. I even screamed from the pain. Nothing feels real. Reality feels like such an illusion and so lonely without you. I still cry missing you. But I know you love me as much as I love you. I'll miss holding you in my arms. I will never love anything as much as I love you. Not anyone or anything, ever. Just you, Bunny, and Pikapa are my world. Losing you has destroyed me and I hope I can one day accept it. So far, I haven't, but I still keep you in my heart and mind.
This was written on February 19th, 2018. I took a mini vacation to help me relax. I have gotten a bit better at hiding the pain, but I'm so unbelievably hurt. I miss you so very much, my love. You are my universe. You gave my life purpose and meaning. I kept going for you must of all. Out of the many times I've thought of suicide, I couldn't help but hold back mostly for you. I couldn't bare the thought of leaving you alone. But, I'm alone now. You aren't suffering anymore. I'm still suffering and I hope things get better but I don't know just yet. I will try and update this over time. Right now, I haven't made you a proper gravestone yet, but I visit you. I talk to you, sit with you, and sometimes even sing to you. I just want you in my arms again, my boy. I love you and I miss you so much. I call myself a Prince and I call you my King. Nothing will ever be greater than you. I feel so lost without you. I can't wait to see you again, my love. I hope it's sooner rather than later but I can't control what happens next.